Selected Shorts
by Owai
Summary: Because the Naruto fandom can never have enough crack. Third: NaruKibaTen. Sometimes boys need a firm hand to get the job done.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Lessons In Polygamy  
**By: **Owai  
**Summary:** Doublespeak, medication, and the importance of being Lee. Drabble. GaaSakuLee  
**A/N:** Requested crack.

* * *

"You see, Neji, Konoha doesn't allow for polygamous marriages, but Suna does." Lee is saying, and while Neji is certain that his head is going to explode, he is unsure whether from the head cold or from what Lee is telling him. His eyes shift to Gaara, who, Neji has noticed over the years, is impervious to his Glare of Doom and the Death Glare from the Depths of Darkness. Gaara apparently is not, however, immune to the Best Friend Eye of Scrutiny.

Sakura, Neji finds out a moment later, is.

"You're insane," Neji croaks, voice sounding something like the rumbling bowls of the Lochness Monster.

"Now, I understand how sudden this must seem, especially with all the drugs you're on and all..." Lee is pulling a couple of tylenol from one of the bottles by Neji's bed and filling a small cup with NyQuil as he talks, calloused hands working quickly to crush the pills into dust that dissipates immediately into the green, corrosive looking liquid,

"Lee," Sakura interjects, eyes on Lee's movements as Gaara stands back and crosses his arms, a phantom of mild, sadistic interest playing on his features.

"But you know that Gaara and I have been seeing each other for almost two years now, and ever since we were kids--well, more kids than we are now...do you think nineteen is too young to be getting married?--anyway, ever since we were kids I've loved Sakura-san with the passion of a thousand--well, it's only natural that something like this would happen--here, drink this, Neji." Neji is unable to respond as Lee pours a vile mixture of drugs down his throat, and he is certain he's going to overdose on _something_, or at least go absolutely insane the _moment_ Lee stops talking (if he ever does). His eyes shoot to Sakura, who is standing by with a worried look on her face as Neji sputters at the taste and consistency, ending the melee with a symphony of coughing. Gaara is nearly snickering by now.

"Geez, Neji, take it easy." Lee gives his jounin friend a hearty slap on the back, which immediately arrests Neji's heart, cough, and sense of reason.

"Are you all right, Neji-kun?" Sakura asks, looking like she's thinking of pulling Lee away from the Hyuuga and making a run for it before the entire compound files in and pokes them all to death for murdering the clan prodigy.

"Water," Neji gasps, and surprisingly it's Gaara that produces the cup and stands silent at Neji's side as his heart rate returns to normal and he begins to feel more relaxed, yet oddly drowsy. Suddenly, this whole idea of Lee getting married isn't sounding like such a bad plan after all.

"Anyway, Neji, like I said before, it's only natural that this would happen. And even though you don't understand it, it's only because you've never had a meaningful romantic relationship in your life--and that's fine!" Lee's words are hasty, but Neji's really not paying attention anymore; the air above Gaara's head is shimmering, "Your spirit is probably just too overwhelming for some people--I'm sure you'll find someone! And then, well, then you'll understand, Neji." Lee finally stops talking, and is watching Neji more carefully than he had been before as the Hyuuga stares in fascination at Gaara's stoic form.

"Neji?"

"Yes, Lee?" Neji sighs softly, sounding oddly complacent.

"So, you'll come, right? And be my best man? I'll make sure you catch the bouquet--you know what they say about that..." Lee pauses. "Neji? ...Neji?"

"Y-ess." Neji mumbles quietly, eyes closed as his breathing begins to even.

"It appears that the Hyuuga has fallen asleep. Or died." Gaara states amusedly, clearly having a preference toward the latter. Sakura sighs and carefully pulls Neji into a more comfortable position, pushing the blankets around his chest and then crossing her arms in a very irritated fashion.

"Great, Lee." Sakura says, throwing her arms into the air before grabbing both Lee and Gaara and pulling them out of Neji's quarters. "You had to drug him to get him to agree."

As the three exit, Gaara glances back at the slumbering Hyuuga, not-there eyebrows creasing.

"There are other ways?" He asks dubiously.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Hear Them Ring; Are You Listening?  
**By: **Owai  
**Summary:** Kin, Ino, and brains that are empty. Drabble.  
**A/N: **Written as a request.

* * *

The bells in Kin's hands are light and smooth against her skin, the weight misleading as to their power, she knows, but somewhat disappointing. Kin is used to things being delicate; music is soft and lulling, sweet in the sound waves and their cunning efficiency. Sometimes, though, she wishes for something heavy to give meter to the violence.

Eyes slowly move to the blonde in purple that she had seen in that dark, deep forest during the first practical Chunnin exam. She had been loud, brash, almost shocking in will all those times that Kin had seen her after that first exam. Wandering the streets of Konoha now is almost starting to become almost second nature, but the blonde is like a misplaced milepost.

She doesn't like it. Oto's better.

"Hey." Kin is shocked out of her thoughts by that same, obnoxious voice that her ears easily picked away from the din of the forest. "That's fake." She looks down at the bell in her hands and frowns. The stall owner scowls at the blond a few feet away and Kin throws the bell back into the stash with a dull clank, moving away from the stand.

"How's it your business?" She says to the blonde dressed in too much purple. It's oddly suited to her, though. Kin won't admit that she likes it.

"Well I figured that since you don't have any brains, might as well save you some money." Hands go to rest on slender hips for a moment as the girl smirks, but it's clear that her malice has never been deadly. Probably never would be. Kin's smile is a little darker.

"Oh yeah? How would you know?" She responds, noting strangely that her own voice is a pitch higher than that which comes from the other girl.

"Been inside your head, remember? It was empty." Maybe that smirk _is_ a little deadly.

"Bitch." Kin responds,

"Whore," the blond tilts her head back slightly in amusement, exposing a long, pale neck. Kin licks her lips unintentionally. Her smirk grows.

"What's your name, Blondie?" Kin's words are purposeful, her stride forward arresting. The girl doesn't move or flinch, still wears that same, confident smirk.

"Ino. And yours, Braniac?"

"Kin. Hey--you wanna know a little bit more of what's inside me?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Title;** Wet Animals  
**By;** Owai  
**Summary;** Boys argue, but Tenten knows how to whip them into shape. NaruKibaTen  
**Author's Note;** Another request.

* * *

"Yeah? Well you're stupid!" 

"Not as stupid as you, numb nuts--that's a steel _wall_, moron!"

"At least I don't smell like a perverted wet dog!"

Tenten feels her eye start to twitch. Part of her is positive that the entire thing will jump out of its socket if the lid isn't staying in place properly, but she refuses to place a hand on the erratically jumping piece of flesh. Naruto fidgets at her right, while Kiba straightens, once tense muscles relaxing as he blinks at Naruto's accusation, stunned and wet.

"Wha--how, exactly, does someone smell perverted? Could you at least try to form a halfway decent insult?"

"You know what, bastard?" Naruto yells, kicking water in Kiba's general direction, "Why don't you suck my--"

"Boys. Boys," Tenten interrupts finally, moving forward and turning so that she may face both of them without fearing getting caught in the crossfire. Not that either of them would hurt her--but honestly, Naruto and Kiba were animals sometimes. "This isn't getting us anywhere. Naruto, Kiba's technique can't punch through iron, and smelling like a perverted wet dog has nothing to do with the situation at hand."

Naruto rubs the back of his head, eyes squinting in irritation as he levels a glare at Kiba. The Inuzuka simply bares his fangs, dark eyes avoiding Tenten's like a chastised puppy.

"Now." Tenten says, arms moving from her hips to gesture to each in turn. "Kiss and make up."

"What! I'm not kissing that dirty dog mouth!" Naruto shouts, explosively horrified.

"You didn't have a problem with my mouth last night, baka!"

"Not when you're using it to suck my--"

"OKAY!" Tenten yells finally, hands closing around her two buns in exasperation as she stomps around in a small circle, drawing the gaze of both boys and stilling further argument. "AUGH! You two have been fighting ever since we got in this mess! Shut up! Shut up! I'm tired of hearing you complain about everything from the toothpaste neither of you have used for three days, to the way Naruto does or does not brush his hair! In case you haven't noticed, we are stuck in a giant steel dam that is slowly filling with water, and if we don't get out soon, neither of you will be sucking anything, _so fucking kiss and make up already or I'll castrate the both of you!_"

Naruto swallows thickly. Kiba's thighs clench and he makes a vague move meant to cover his privates.

Slowly, they each splash toward one another and kiss without further comment. Then, almost tentatively, each places a kiss on either side of Tenten's face.

"Right," Tenten says, "now let's figure out how the hell to get out of here." /**Title;** Wet Animals NaruKibaTen  
**Rated;** PG  
**For;** Spiffy; **xxspiffyxx**

**NaruKibaTen**

  
"Yeah? Well you're stupid!" 

"Not as stupid as you, numb nuts--that's a steel _wall_, moron!"

"At least I don't smell like a perverted wet dog!"

Tenten feels her eye start to twitch. Part of her is positive that the entire thing will jump out of its socket if the lid isn't staying in place properly, but she refuses to place a hand on the erratically jumping piece of flesh. Naruto fidgets at her right, while Kiba straightens, once tense muscles relaxing as he blinks at Naruto's accusation, stunned and wet.

"Wha--how, exactly, does someone smell perverted? Could you at least try to form a halfway decent insult?"

"You know what, bastard?" Naruto yells, kicking water in Kiba's general direction, "Why don't you suck my--"

"Boys. Boys," Tenten interrupts finally, moving forward and turning so that she may face both of them without fearing getting caught in the crossfire. Not that either of them would hurt her--but honestly, Naruto and Kiba were animals sometimes. "This isn't getting us anywhere. Naruto, Kiba's technique can't punch through iron, and smelling like a perverted wet dog has nothing to do with the situation at hand."

Naruto rubs the back of his head, eyes squinting in irritation as he levels a glare at Kiba. The Inuzuka simply bares his fangs, dark eyes avoiding Tenten's like a chastised puppy.

"Now." Tenten says, arms moving from her hips to gesture to each in turn. "Kiss and make up."

"What! I'm not kissing that dirty dog mouth!" Naruto shouts, explosively horrified.

"You didn't have a problem with my mouth last night, baka!"

"Not when you're using it to suck my--"

"OKAY!" Tenten yells finally, hands closing around her two buns in exasperation as she stomps around in a small circle, drawing the gaze of both boys and stilling further argument. "AUGH! You two have been fighting ever since we got in this mess! Shut up! Shut up! I'm tired of hearing you complain about everything from the toothpaste neither of you have used for three days, to the way Naruto does or does not brush his hair! In case you haven't noticed, we are stuck in a giant steel dam that is slowly filling with water, and if we don't get out soon, neither of you will be sucking anything, _so fucking kiss and make up already or I'll castrate the both of you!_"

Naruto swallows thickly. Kiba's thighs clench and he makes a vague move meant to cover his privates.

Slowly, they each splash toward one another and kiss without further comment. Then, almost tentatively, each places a kiss on either side of Tenten's face.

"Right," Tenten says, "now let's figure out how the hell to get out of here."


End file.
